In
the Fall of 2008, I embarked on a journey I had never desired before I began, and
certainly did not realize the effect it would have upon my life. I simply knew that it must be
done. You see, I had a regret in
my life-one regret. As simple as
it may seem-I never studied abroad as an undergraduate student at Cal State
Hayward, and this, was my dream.
It
was at the end of my second year of teaching at West Valley High School in
Cottonwood, CA that the seed was planted.
I had dated my college boyfriend for almost six years, and ended the
relationship. It was hard, like a
divorce, and was the most prolific, difficult personal move I had ever made. In
the process, I hurt a great person, but knew that for me, it was right. I needed time to find "me" and
to make right with this regret that lingered in my heart and soul. It was after this separation that I
decided to do something for myself, and no one else, for really the first time
in my life. I decided to pursue a
master's degree, and study abroad in the process. I didnt know how it could be done, but I knew it could. I believed my parents when they told me
when I was younger that I could do anything that I put my mind to.
While
researching, I found the perfect fit.
I knew as soon as I found the Master's degree program in Teaching
International Languages at California State University, Chico, that this was my
calling. It combined my love of
teaching with the Spanish language, and there was also the chance that I could
study abroad as a component of the program. I knew I must pursue this opportunity.
In
the Fall of 2008, I realized the sacrifice I must make to pursue this crazy
dream. I took two classes my first
semester at Chico State, in which I would leave my full time teaching job at
the final bell, literally run to the parking lot twice a week, and drive to
Chico to get to class (somewhat) on time.
It seemed like I never had a chance to rest. My second semester was the same. However, from November through March, I
was also coaching basketball, in addition to teaching full-time, and taking
classes an hour and a half away, part-time. Seeing that I could only miss two classes at Chico State a
semester, I had to sacrifice coaching several basketball games to attend
classes, and miss several classes to attend basketball games. I just kept telling myself that it
would be worth the sacrifice when I got the chance to study abroad, as this was
my ultimate goal. This is what I
never did as an undergrad, and this is what I desired.
My
third semester in the program was challenging to say the least. I was entering my third year teaching,
and was taking two classes at Chico State that semester. In addition to teaching full time, and
taking two classes, I was also teaching an adult ESL class in Corning twice a
week as part of my Chico State coursework, and coaching JV basketball at West
Valley High School. I can look
back at the calendar from the Fall of 2009 and shake my head in disbelief. I simply don't know how I managed to
balance my committments, but somehow I did. A major motivator was one afternoon in the fall of 2009 when
my principal, Mr. Karl Stemmler, walked into my classroom and informed me that
I had been granted a leave of absence to study abroad in the Spring of 2010 in
pursuit of my master's degree. I
teared up in front of my class, realizing that my dream was about to become a
reality. I was going to live
abroad. THIS was why I had worked
so hard, THIS would change my life.
Shortly
after the New Year in 2010, after finding a long term subsititute teacher for
my classes at West Valley, I hopped on a flight to Madrid, Spain to begin my
semester abroad. I had to be
granted special permission to study abroad through Chico State, as I needed
graduate credits, as opposed to undergraduate credits in my classes, unlike the
other students in the program. This meant that more work would be required of me in each of my classes, but I was up for the task. Also, I was significantly older, at age
27, than the majority of the students in the program. Simply put, I was
different, and I didn't care. I
was achieving my dream, and wasn't going to let anything get in my way. I arrived in Madrid, spent an evening catching up with a former Spanish exchange student at Corning High School, and then headed
toward San Sebastian, the city I proclaimed on a trip to Spain as a senior in
high school as my "favorite city in Spain."
It
was in San Sebastian that my love for the Spanish- Basque people
blossomed. However, it is not to
say that the five months I spent abroad were easy. On the contrary, they were difficult, and that is why they
are significant, but also extremely fun. I faced many
challenging experiences, including being away from family, friends, and a full
time job, for the fist time in my life.
Additionally, I was older than many other people in my program, and
lived with Spanish girls that were in their younger twenties. However, I was in the most beautiful
city, in an amazing country, and walked away with a new found appreciation for
life. I appreciated the little
things-great food, reading the morning paper, walking to any destination at my
own pace, and the beautiful sound of Spanish and Basque at every turn. It was during this time that I was
emotionally and academically challenged to become a better person, and I left
with the belief that I improved in both areas. I pushed myself, and felt rewarded with the result of lasting
memories that can never be erased.
This was truly one of those moments when I found a piece of myself. I spent a lot of time alone, learned to
appreciate myself for who I was, met some amazing people, and had some
extremely fun times I wouldn't have had back home as a full-time teacher. I can also say that when I left San
Sebasitan, after my parents came to visit me in the city I love, I left a piece
of my heart and soul in Donostia (San Sebastian, in Basque).
It was inevitable, as any person who has studied there can attest, that I would return more than once again in my life to visit this majestic
city.
Upon
my return home from Europe, a month early (I came home as a surprise for my
Grandfather's 80th birthday party), I was a changed person. There is something about traveling and
living abroad that changes your perspective on life. My next year back in the classroom, I was ready to be a
teacher again. In fact, I was so
ready (and so broke from my study abroad) that I agreed to teach more than full
time, by teaching six classes per day instead of five. I had the best students this year, that
most of the time, it didn't matter that I didn't get a break in my day. I had missed teaching when I was
abroad, and was enthusiastic to share what I had learned, even if it meant not
getting a bathroom break, or a chance to eat lunch. I also resumed my duties as the JV basketball coach this
season, and enjoyed this lifestyle.
I was also nearly done with my classes at Chico State, as I only had two
pre-requisite classes left, and they were the only two online classes offered
in the program. My first year
back, I didn't take either of them.
Instead, I adjusted to life back in the United States, while also
mourning my experience abroad, and the culture shock I faced upon my
return. I had to realize that I
was the person that was changed and had grown and make adjustments accordingly,
because I knew that not everyone wanted to hear about " When I was in San
Sebastian....."
In
2011, I accepted the head varsity girl's basketball job at West Valley, knowing
that with this acceptance, I would not be able to work on my thesis project or
take my remaining two online classes during this time. This season proved to be very
rewarding, as my team created the best first year experience I could have
imagined. We won the undefeated
NAL Championship, went on to win the Northern Section DIV Section Championship,
and I was awarded several coaching awards that I looked at as awards for our school and program-my kids were the ones who did all the work! This season in
itself created some of the best memories of my life. I have never felt so rewarded for hard work, or so proud of
a group of people in my life. This stands as one of the top five moments of my
life, along with studying abroad.
However, in the back of my mind lingered the guilt that I needed to be
working on my thesis......
Around
rolled the 2012-13 school year, and the one remaining class (I took the other
in the spring of 2012) that I needed to complete my coursework. I told myself that I would finish my
masters this school year. I had no
more excuses, and had invested so much personal money and time into this
program, that I owed it to myself to finish, and to do so THIS year. I was a finisher, and I had to make
myself believe that. For my
thirtieth birthday, my Mom and I planned a trip to New York City. However, before embarking on the trip,
I needed to have a working copy of my thesis turned in before my personal October deadline. The fall
(before basketball season) was spent working, as I had the previous semesters
when I was taking classes, on my thesis or homework. Friday nights, and Saturday and Sunday mornings and
afternooons were dedicated to "doing homework." I actually got sick of hearing myself
have to decline social invitations because I had "homework." I am so grateful for my friends for
their understanding, and patience, and don't know that I could been so
understanding if I were them. For
my first year and a half before going to Spain, I was completely physically and
emotionally unavailable on the weekends and holidays, and then when I was
really gone, in Spain, I had deserted them. The fall of 2012 brought the same scenario. It was devastating on a personal level
to not spend time with my friends and family; I felt selfish and full of
excuses, but I just prayed that they understood. I was faced with exhaustion once basketball season began in
November, shortly after our trip to New York City. The 2012-2013 season proved to be draining, but I realized I couldn't do anything half-way. I needed to be 100% invested to make sure my
kids had experiences they would remember for a lifetime. Myself on the other hand, felt like a wreck-
I had a hard time managing defeats in our new league, and knew I needed to be
working on my thesis. I was
oblivious to my personal life, and put coaching and teaching first. I felt like I had no other option, and
was thankful for every second I got to spend with my friends and family. For me, my basketball team was my family,
and this season, they required extra work I was willing to put in. We ended the season on a successful
note, as runners up in our section, and nearly pulling off a first round upset
in our state playoff game. I was also very proud of this team, as they were warriors all season long.
Once
basketball ended, I had made a promise to myself. I promised myself I would finish. Although I was hung over from my
basketball season, with little energy to do anything but sleep, I would complete
what I started because that is how I operated. That was the person I wanted and strived to be. I can firmly say it took every
ounce of courage to even open the envelope with the suggestions from my teacher
I had received in November with my attempt at a first copy of my thesis (I
didn't actually open it until January!).
I didn't want to do it-I was battling myself. I have never ever ever ever struggled with myself internally
as much as I did during this master's program. I wanted to finish it, but I really didn't think I could do
it. Heck, I never really wanted to
do it in the first place, I just wanted to study abroad. I experienced the
lowest of lows during this challenging time. I literally could not have done it
without encouraging words from family and friends. To them, I will be forever
in debt. I didn't always believe
in myself, until they made me believe.
I didn't always (or ever) want to spent every Saturday and Sunday this
fall and spring working ALL day on my thesis project, let alone come home from
teaching all day to sit down at my table with tears streaming down my face, and
force myself to write for at least three hours a night. I never wanted to wake up and go to the
gym at 4:30am after going to bed at midnight, but I knew a mind is only healthy
if a body is. I never wanted to do
any of this, but I knew I had to; I knew I had to sacrifice if I wanted to
finish this project.
I
was challenged, and I admitted it.
I was challenged with my time, and with my desire to complete this
project. Although I acquired a
deep deep passion for the amazing Basque language, culture, and people, I
really didn't want to do a thesis project. I was already working two full times jobs teaching and
coaching; I didn't need a third. I just wanted my life to continue-I
wanted to move on to setting myself up to have a family of my own and get past
this task I for some reason started five years ago, that had been weighing on
my shoulders! This, along with
realizing that I started this program to do "something for myself"
were the reasons I chose to stick it out.
Also, I knew my parents, my biggest fans, were cheering me on. I couldn't let them, or ultimately
myself, down. I had to do this,
but it wasn't going to be easy. I
knew the only way it was possible was to be a little bit insane, and I was
willing to be so. I set my mind to it, and I knew I could do it once I turned
that corner.
I
tried every trick I knew- working early in the morning before school, late at
night, working out, not working out, drinking caffeine, not drinking caffeine,
taking my work to the library, listening to country music, listening to music I
couldn't sing along to on purpose because I didn't know the words, taking walks
after each twenty minutes of work, and letting my tears fall in the loneliness
of my living room as I questioned why I was torturing myself sitting in front
of my computer working on something I was never going to finish. I set up a card table in my living
room as my office, lit candles, gave myself snack breaks, stretched when I needed to, yelled
at the top of my lungs, called my parents sobbing, let myself be depressed for
days on end, put up a sign that my students made me as inspiration for my half
marathon on my "wall of inspiration," of things I could look at, and
even allowed myself to get massages, go back to Spain to visit, dance in my
living room with no one watching, and be just a little bit wierd :). I didn't care how I looked to anyone, I
just wanted to finish. This was
for me.
As
I look back on the five years I spent from start to finish in my master's
degree program, I am in awe of life.
I learned many things, and so much happened during this five year period
of my life. I appreciate and value
myself so much more than I did when I began a half of a decade ago. I found out what it is like to fight
for something you want. I realized
my strength, and my fighting spirit that I possess. I realized it is okay to
ask for help and admit weaknesses.
I learned who I am as a person, developed a passion for writing and for
the Basque County, and who and what are important to me. Many things have happened over the past
five years. Some of the things I
missed because I was working on my degree, but here are a few things that
stand out in my mind.
1.) I went back to visit San Sebastian, and
went to Costa Rica and China with students; I continued my love of travel and
adventure.
2.) My three best friends from college all had
their first (and second) children, and have left me inspired at the wonderful
mothers they all are. Two other of
my best friends have also become engaged and/or married.
3.) My nephew Colton was born, making me a
first-time, blood aunt to a child I adore. I will never forget finding out my sister in law was
pregnant when I was in Spain studying.
My brother skyped me for the one and only time I was abroad, to tell me
:)
4.) My basketball team won a Section
Championship! This was more rewarding than winning one as a player in 2000.
5.) I moved into a place of my own, and have
enjoyed the experience of living on my own, and figuring out how life works!
6.) I have continued to teach some of the most
amazing students at West Valley, and am just finishing my seventh year as a Eagle!
Life
is short, and is filled with challenges.
I was gifted the strength to finish my degree. I did it, with the support of my closest friends and family. I have a changed perspective on life, and on myself as a
person. I am proud of myself, and
am okay saying that. I am also proud of my family and friends, and not afraid to share that with them, which I
attribute to my semester abroad. "When
I was in San Sebastian..." I had to tell them how I felt, because I didn't
get to see them. I feel empowered-I have realized I am the first in my family to get a master's degree. I did it to instill confidence in
myself, which would not have happened had I not been faced with the struggles
and challenges that come along with earning a master's degree. I am extremely proud to say that I have
a master's degree, and that I did it for ME.
